


Gogurt

by Sariau



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast), The Adventure Zone: Balance (Podcast)
Genre: Always, Feels, Fluff, Friendship, Short Chapters, Snapshots, Spoilers up to Stolen Century, Taako eats Gogurt, There's a death in chapter 3? But its not a main character-and the jerk deserved it - Freeform, because one sentence spawned a plot bunny, cooking terms, cursing?, this would not be possible outside a fantasy setting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-19
Updated: 2017-09-24
Packaged: 2018-11-15 22:21:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 18
Words: 8,951
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11240469
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sariau/pseuds/Sariau
Summary: “Everything tastes like Gogurt, homie.” Taako says the throwaway comment like it’s a joke. It’s not really, but he has yet to come across someone who believes him right off the bat. Then again, as he tries to follow what Burnsides and Highchurch are staring at with such gobsmacked faces, he might just have enough proof.





	1. Ichor

**Author's Note:**

> I know that it's only Key Lime Gogurt, but I like spritzing it up a bit. Let's see if you can find a pattern in the flavors?
> 
> The order, if anyone's wondering, is going to follow how the show presents them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just so you guys know, Taako is referring to Magnus and Merle by their last names because he doesn't trust them that much, and distancing them mentally is something that I think Taako would do to protect himself. Which is a step up from always forgetting some shlub's name.

He’s not being subtle, not even faking by copying the others’ expressions. But the clues seemed to fly right over his new roommates' heads. Though, maybe not, since Pringles doesn’t share any more of his brews after he knocked back one of his strongest (called it something hairy? Taako wasn’t paying much attention, just thirsty.) flasks without a stagger or slur.

The Director has her shit together, though. Called him out the moment he shrugged the Sleep spell off like water on a duck’s back. Whatever she had in store for them apparently took some prep, so he had enough time to take a dip in a tank.

Which, what the fuck? Why did he have to jump in the container that was making him so dizzy? And then, what the fuck? How did he miss the giant starry night jellyfish? And he can remember the song Johann played in the elevator, and a bunch of really bad things that happened across Faerûn before his show took off. He can remember Killian asking about the Phoenix Fire Gauntlet, and he can remember Magic Brian (which he was fifty-fifty on since the fucker almost killed him). He remembers the conversation that he sort of took part in after everyone else drank the voidfish's ichor. He feels much better when he resurfaces, and maybe the Director is actually looking out for him, because the room is empty aside from either of them, and she is holding out a towel.

He doesn’t thank her, but he doesn’t gripe over the mediocre hot chocolate that is waiting for him after he’s changed back into his clothes. (And no. He didn’t skinny dip, you pervs. The Director had one of those retro bathing suits with stripes, that she wasn’t getting back, because he totally forgot it in his bag somewhere.) He knows how cheap it is just from the smell, and he can see that the instant mix wasn’t stirred in enough, the powder clinging to the inner wall of the mug. It tastes like Bubblegum. Her smile is understanding as she sips her own hot chocolate.

Again, what the fuck? Why is she so nice? She’s got to be after something, so he keeps his silence, waiting for her to bring up what he has to do because she decided to be kind.

But no. They don’t talk, just finish off their drinks, and Taako lets himself be herded into an arena where he can see Highchurch and Burnsides slumped at a turret and glass hallway respectively.

And can he just say how much he _hates_ Ogres?

No? Well- fuck you!

Ogres _suck_! He had to pay to repair his wand on his next turfside mission because, “Magical items aren’t to be trusted.” If Taako could spit on a phrase, he would refrain if this one was on fire. At least Magnus “Rushing In” Burnsides didn’t call Bravery, and faced off against those things from the start. They’d have definitely failed if the human kicked it.

Whatever.


	2. Hardtack

“Kinda a shitty wizard.” Taako says, casting Prestidigitation for a loud crunch as he takes a bite. It transmutes into Mango Tango Gogurt as soon as it passes into his mouth, but he feels like having a bit of a mic drop moment.

Jinkins’ eyes narrow at him, and Taako is seriously interested to see if this guy is more than he gave him credit for. “What are you eating?”

Taako feels his enthusiasm for this conversation dropping below negative numbers.

“It’s hardtack. Life’s hard on the road.” Taako is very obviously holding a bag of baby carrots, the shiny label proclaiming them to be organic and the favorite of rabbits and bunnies everywhere.

Jenkins blinks at him, but he only smiles. Then he joins the others in mocking the guy until he leaves.

Good talk Russ.


	3. Silverpoint

Bain is so obviously shifty. The toast to remember Hurley and Sloane is a big glowing red button with neon arrows flashing towards the center. And Taako is _so tempted_ to push the big red button.

He thinks about it for a few split seconds, and he can tell the moment when Maggie figures out what he’s about to do. There’s a meaty hand trying to stop him from raising his glass. Bain is grinning like a mad man as he stares at the ascent of his drink to his mouth, matching it with his own. Merle yelps, probably takes him that much time to realize he has no juice for a healing spell, but too late. He tips his cup back. Bane is doing the same, almost like a mirror if Taako was built like a brick shithouse... And uglier.

Huh. Tutti Frutti. He hasn’t tasted that one in a while. Not since-

No. Not going there. Nope. Taako is good out here, thanks!

Bain goes down, _hard_ , with a loud thump he can feel through the ground, and before the human can finish his drink. His glass shatters as it hits the wood floor, and Taako isn’t the only one to give it space as the liquid spreads out on the ground. Taako is shifting through the guy’s pockets by the time the Boner Squad comes back to their senses with shouts of whatever is clogging their brains.

Merle is touching his forehead, and Taako is distracted enough by the vial of Silverpoint he finds that he doesn’t realize the dwarf is checking his temperature until the hand is pulled away. The same hand tries to snatch the poison from his hand, but he’s taller, and he has a wider reach even when he’s crouched over a cooling body. It gets stolen when it’s high above his head. Which, whatever, he isn’t done looting. Taako can get it back later when they’re both sleeping. It’s not like these two chucklefucks remember that he _-as an elf-_ only sleeps a few hours before he’s good to go for the day.

So he now has a deadman’s badge, and he could probably swing a way to get all the winnings for himself, but he isn’t a total bastard.

…

Shut up. He helped the old man out at Fantasy Costco. That totally makes it even.

Big, Burly, Burnsides hoists him under his arms like he’s a kid. Taako should probably mention that they have been shouting at him for a while, and he hasn’t been giving them the time of day in his search for goodies.

“Taako! You’re seriously worrying us here, dude. At least say something!” He gets shaken in the air, feeling like a ragdoll, before he could answer.

Taako turns his face away with a scrunched up nose. “Ugh, ever heard of a breath mint, compadre? You need, like, _fifty_.”

Maggie laughs, and Taako feels the grip around him shift into something else. A hug. Blegh. The elf is quick to wiggle his way out of that- that- whatever _that_ is. He gets a pat to his hip from Merle when he lands, and the issue of him willingly drinking poison (Tutti Frutti Gogurt, he notes somewhere in the back corners of his mind) is dropped when a figureless Red Robe pops out of nowhere.

Taako’s hair stands on end when he sees it, and he could swear that he knew exactly what this thing is. His hand is shaking from holding the UmbraStaff too tight.

When the Red Robe is gone, they make a quick retreat. Because the Captain of the police is dead from poison that is now in Maggie’s possession. He may be a simple idiot wizard, but he’s not a complete moron. So they skedaddle far enough away to call an orb, and return to the moonbase, victorious.

The Director looks saddened when they tell her of Bain’s betrayal, but at least their murder record will be swept clean when his name is fed to the Voidfish.  

Later, much later (not really, more like later that night because Taako wants the poison back. Unfortunately, Merle and Magnus are waiting up for him like two disappointed parents.) Taako is told in strict, no nonsense words, that he isn’t to do that again.

“Sorry, best be clear about this, don’t do _what_ again?” He blinks up at them from the cozy couch they bought the moment they had free to furnish their new space. His hands are up to placate them, but his question seems to have riled them up.

Magnus runs a hand through his hair. “If there’s a chance you’re about to drink something poisonous, don’t?” Sounding like this is something he thought he didn't have to clarify.

“Or eat!” Merle hastily adds, and Magnus nods in agreement to the addendum.

“What were you thinking anyways? _Maybe he left my drink unpoisoned? Let’s see what he’ll do?_ ”

Taako shrugs, “Something like that, yeah.”

He probably shouldn’t have said that… Those two watched him like a hawk for weeks, and it took some doing to sneak the poison out from under their noses.


	4. Elderflower Macarons

Candlenights is coming up. It's a fact. Taako can't change it even if he wanted to. He doesn’t, so the point is moot either way.

This also means presents are going to be expected, and he doesn't particularly feel like bullshitting on the spot with hopeful expressions staring him down after already getting a present from them.

So he cooks. He’s got a method now. He’s learned what deadly poison tastes like, and he’s never _not_ eaten the food he cooks. So his habit of taste testing his macarons is a little more often than a professional chef, sue him, he doesn’t care.

They also taste delicious, Gogurt or no. All his cookies can stand on their sides, so the filling is good. He tests the texture by breaking one in half. The cookie resists for a brief moment before giving in with a satisfying crumbly noise. He tosses one half into his mouth, and he is swallowing Blue Raspberry Gogurt. The first batch he made tasted the same, though he binned that one for not having the right texture. Same fate for the third, though the almond flour wasn’t fine enough, and the granules showed before he could put them into the oven. The fourth didn’t have feet to his standards.

His fifth try, it seems, passes the test.

But he’s paranoid, and doesn’t trust himself anymore, and continues to test every cookie until they are all gone.

The sun is coming up, and he has a full trash bin, full stomach, a messy kitchen, and he hasn’t meditated yet.

Oh yeah, and the Candlenights party is tonight. Lovely.

Prestidigitation cleans up the kitchen, likity-split. The spell again empties the bin, and Taako takes a quick shower before lounging in meditation for a while.

He waits for everyone to clear off so he can have the kitchen to himself before he flounces in. His skirt swishes fashionably as he walks, and it makes flouncing in front of reflective surfaces worth it.

He is halfway through folding the macarons when the front door opens, and there's no way he could stop now. He's taste-tested the batter already, and it's not poisonous. If he abandons it either the meringue will go flat, or one of his roommates will eat it. Which means he _can't go anywhere._

By the time he spots Magnus as he rounds the corner from the hallway, Taako is collected again, and he's scooping the purple goop into a piping bag with all the pizazz he's got. Minus the magic, because he doesn't mix food and magic anymore. Lesson hard learned and followed industriously.

Magnus stops, freezes more like, like the human was caught in the act or something. There's something uncertain in his first few steps, which is weird, and then Magnus rushes in. “What’cha makin?” The human plops himself on the chair he had carved, and left in the kitchen for a reason that was beyond Taako.

“Updog.” Is his serious reply, saying it a bit fast. Which is his intention.

Magnus’ head tilts. “Really? Cool.”

Taako sinks a little when his joke falls flatter than a pancake. He recovers in the next moment with an imperious sniff. He pipes out little circles, and has to swats Maggie’s hand away when he reaches for one. “You gotta let my boys sit, or they won't have feet.”

Magnus stares at him in incomprehension, but Taako figures that would be the case. He smacks the pans on the counter, and stifles a laugh when Magnus jumps. First impressions are pretty good. No bumps, no bubbles, no accidental streaks, and they're all roughly the same size and shape.

Confident in turning his attention away for a bit, he faces Magnus, who is shifting awkwardly in his chair. “Did you need something?”

“Er, yeah.” The human answers hesitantly, scratching at his sideburns. “The cafeteria staff has the day off, so I came back to grab some lunch?”

Taako blinks at him. “If you want to make something for yourself, go ahead. Just don't take too long with the oven if you're going to use it.” He's more than used to sharing a kitchen with others. Four years of having a kitchen tailored to his every need doesn't outweigh the years and years he spent hopping from one caravan to another in exchange for his services. “But if you bump into my trays, I'm going to fire you out of the cannon without a pod.”

“Sure, sure.” Maggie stands from his chair, and Taako takes his place. He watches the human putter around the kitchen, flailing for a knife (wrong one, why he decides to go for a meat cleaver is strange when he should know the uses of that knife) as he balances a sandwich too tall to properly fit in his mouth. He cuts it in half like he swings Railsplitter. Down, with all his might.

At least Taako knows where those chips in the counter are coming from now. He should have guessed.

Magnus offers half of his stacked sandwich with a nudge in his direction. “Sorry bro, had my fill taste testing. I've got to keep my slim figure or my ratings’ll go down.” He accentuates his statement with a wave down his side.

Magnus laughs at the joke like he always does, a second too late for it to be an automatic response, but quick enough for it to be a genuine attempt. Taako wonders if he’s transmitting on the wrong wavelength.

The woodcarver finishes his sandwich long before the macarons finished setting. Taako thinks that he would leave after that. Go back to whatever the human was doing out on the moonbase. But nope, looks like Maggie is sticking around. He leaves for a second, but returns with another chair he carved from the living room to settle into with a comfortable sigh. It’s more solid than the other, with a solid back full of intricate designs and random sayings in Elvish. Like, _Here T_ _here be Gerblns, Competent Women Rule the World,_ and _Polka-dots_. 

At least the kitchen is large enough to accommodate the both of them in their chairs, and still have enough space for Taako to step around to stick his pans into the oven. It took some doing, and some sweet acrobatic skills at one point, but he manages.

And he’s still got to make the filling, so it can set properly as the cookies cool.

It’s a lot harder to not use his magic when he has an audience. But Magnus’ face as he watches him whip up a good cream until it peaks from his whisk, makes him feel like what he’s doing is magical and new. It gets easier to resist the temptation. He doesn’t feel the urge to taste test after the fifth time. He feels pretty confident that this would be _the batch_.

Taako pipes and squishes the cookie sandwiches into creation, and he takes a step back to survey his creation. Looks good. He tests one, breaking it in half, and tossing it into his mouth. Blue Raspberry. Success!

He jams a little in the kitchen between the chairs, and doesn’t even care that Magnus is trying to give him a beat to dance to.

Then Magnus reaches for a cookie, breathless from laughter, and his heart plummets. He snatches up the tray holding his work with something blocking his airways. It takes a moment for Taako to get his voice back. Only until he is out of reach on the other side of the kitchen with both chairs between them does it return. “No sneaking a bite!” His voice, thankfully, is steady like it always is. If Magnus had a better view, the human would have seen how shaky Taako’s legs are at that moment. “These are for tonight’s party.”

Magnus doesn’t move. His eyes sharpen like they do when he’s in battle and figured something out, and while he normally likes that face shape (because that means the battle is about to end) he does not when it is focused on him. Taako doesn’t want to go into this right now. Or ever. If this topic could never come up, he’d be golden like Auntie’s biscuits. The human’s mouth opens, and Taako can feel his ears pressed against his neck, already cringing.

“But I really wanted to know.” There’s a pregnant pause as Magnus tries to find the words. Taako is torn between wanting it over and wishing it to never pass. It is obvious which one happens. “What is up dog?”

Magnus blinks. Taako finds himself doing the same. The question seems to echo silently in the kitchen. A guffaw passes through his lips, and they’re laughing. The tension is gone, and the release has Taako falling over. He has the mind to save the macarons before they end up scattered on the floor. But the joke came so far from left field that it might as well flew around the world from the right side of the same field.

The laughter trails off with sighs that feel full in his chest. He still has one more thing he has to do before getting ready for the party, because it takes time to be this fashionable.

So he stands to his full height, balances his tray of macarons in the palm of his hand like a waiter, gives the human his biggest grin, and answers.

“Nothin’ much. What’s up with you?”


	5. Sandwitches

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Elevators SUCK.

“Last time I got into an elevator, vines tried to eat my _dick_.” Taako is going to murder Lucas _‘That would spoil the surprise!’_ Miller. Painful, and lasting.

So while Merle and Magnus fuck off in elevator land, shrinking to scale with the nerdy diorama, Taako indulges himself in a little… _somethin’ somethin’_ from his pocket spa.

Somehow the thing comes with its own fantasy mini fridge, stocked full of those little finger foods to be snacked on with tea. Sure enough, there's a wonderful aroma wafting from a teapot a little ways away.

He enjoys the smell for a quick moment, grabs two sandwiches, and goes back out to find the surviving cockroach they didn't kill attacking his little buddies.

Meh, they can work it out themselves.

But just in case they check to see if he is going to try saving them, he’ll look busy eating his sandwich.

Oooo~ cucumber!

It tastes like Green Apple, and he lets himself imagine the crisp crunch he would have gotten to accompany the flavor. He lets himself enjoy the moment, and takes another bite. The first sandwich is soon gone, but that's okay, he has another.

Taako barely notices the elevator rising out of the display, growing bigger until the contraption _dings_ , and the doors open.

“Have fun?” Taako says, tossing the last bite of cucumber sandwich into his mouth. They don't reply, but that's answer enough.

Elevators **_suck_**!


	6. Pink Tourmaline

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Or should the chapter be called "Pink Tourmaline/Red Lobster Cheddar Roll"?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one might hurt, fair warning.

“Taako! In my pouch! Use the Glutton’s Fork!” Magnus really shouldn't have that much energy while being paralyzed. It's also such a dumb idea, why the hell the human thinks Taako would-

He totally does. Hell yes!

Maggie stores his things much neater than Taako, so it doesn't take much time at all to find the fork. The pink tourmaline is also within the distance he can travel for his turn, so he sticks it with the Glutton’s Fork.

It turns into one of those Red-Lobster cheddar rolls. Its smell is amazing as it wafts up with the steam still rising from it. It looks _so good_ , he doesn't hesitate to stick the whole thing in his mouth.

It tastes _fucking incredible-_!

...

Oh.

Wait.

That was just his imagination, huh?

It melted into Fruit Punch Gogurt the moment it passed his lips.

For a moment there, he really thought…

He sighs, doesn't really notice the bounty hunter leaving, and hands the fork back to Magnus when the paralyzation wears off.

With everyone worrying about Killian’s cracked helmet, Taako slinks away for a moment. He just needs a bit of peace and quiet.

Someone notices.

Something wooden pats his hip, and that tells him who right off the bat. He looks down to see Merle standing there with a worried expression under that bushy beard. “You okay, pal?”

“No.” He takes a deep breath, stuffs all those distracting thoughts into a dusty corner, and lets the breath go. “But _that's_ okay. Come on, let's go save the planet.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Spoiler for Stolen Century:  
> Anyone else think that it wasn't Kravitz who tricked Merle into grabbing the pink tourmaline, but Jon? Just a thought I wanted to share


	7. Interlude Dinner

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Tres Horny Boys sit down for dinner in the moon's cafeteria.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Edit: I should mention that this one isn't all that happy either? whoops...

Taako doesn’t know when it started, but mealtime with the Tres Horny Boys is something of an event. Of course, anything that includes Taako is bound to be exciting.

Mealtimes are included, to Merle’s and Magnus’ resigned displeasure.

Taako grins at their suspicious looks as he joins them in the line for dinner at the cafeteria. He always pops up when they sit down at _their_ table, but he decides to shake things up a bit tonight. Merle has very cleverly placed Magnus between them the moment Taako follows them through the front door of their apartment to dinner. Magnus, at that point not realizing the implications, strikes up a conversation on training.

Taako grins and nods in all the right times, and lets the human carry the conversation all the way through their food plopping onto their cheap plastic food trays. Merle is twitching by the time they’re approaching their table. Taako smothers a snicker to answer that _yes, Killian could wield that crossbow like a sword if she sharpened the underside a bit. No, he didn’t think she would let Magnus close enough to her weapon to_ improve _it for her._

Magnus is the first one to sit down, of course. Merle sits on the edge seat, like that would protect him from Taako’s usual tactics. That Taako takes the seat on the other side of the human seems to settle the little dwarf.

There’s still a moment of expectation, and it’s not just from the three of them. Most people in the cafeteria are watching like they’re saturday morning fantasy cartoons. Which isn’t to say that Merle and Magnus aren’t watching Taako scoop flake mashed potatoes into his mouth with a plastic spork.

Taako basks in the attention, and stuffs his face with cheap, processed food (For once, he’s glad he can’t taste it.) normally, like it's one of those rote things that happens every day. Those watching from other tables grow bored by the time he finishes his mashed potatoes. It takes a bit longer for Merle and Magnus to stop watching him suspiciously and dig into their own meals.

The instant they plug their own sporks into their food, Taako is there, over their shoulder, snagging a bite from everything on their own trays. Tiny little mouse bites from their dinner rolls, fried chicken, fries, _everything_.

Merle grouses and gripes. His wooden arm swinging in tandem with his flesh hand as he complains. The complaints end quickly enough, stifled by fries and his drink.

Magnus laughs, thumping Taako’s back when he is back in his seat with a full mouth, causing him to swallow down the wrong tube. Taako chokes, and as Magnus is rushing in to do the Fantasy Heimlich Maneuver, Merle is laughing about fantasy karma. The wood hand thumps against the table as the dwarf laughs, and Taako can finally breathe with a final squeeze.

Aside from lethal amounts of Gogurt, Taako is pretty good.

_Safe._

Taako doesn’t know why he checks their food, doesn’t know when it started. He hadn’t done something like this even with- nope. Roadblocking that shit like a Gryffin on the train tracks.

He hopes that those two don’t realize he’s not just stealing their food to get a bigger portion, but to check their food to see if it is safe. It would ruin his image if they did.

They’re going to be safe when they eat on Taako’s watch.

No one is going to kick it when Taako is at the table.


	8. Macarons

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Angus gives Taako some macarons after magic lessons.

Angus is watching him with such hopeful expectation that he really can’t refuse the box of white macarons. He breaks one in half, getting a satisfying crispy crunch, so boychik got the hard part down. It’s a bit weird that he’s not smelling the flavor of the filling as he puts one of the halves into his mouth.

Huh. Bubblegum.

Taako… doesn’t know what that flavor means. Like, he’s tasted it before, but it pops up randomly. He tasted it when Magnus tried to make dinner and almost burned down the kitchen in the process. From a fan during his tour when they shyly offered one of their own creations. From the hot chocolate the Director drank with him under the light of the voidfish.

Taako can feel Ango’s gaze, and knows that the kid is expecting critique, like Taako always does when boy wonder casts a spell. He tests the remaining half. The filling is still fresh, so there’s no reason for there to be no smell, except for not adding the actual flavoring. It just smells like cream cheese and sugar. No wonder the entire cookie is white.

“What flavor were you going for?” Taako asks, tossing the rest of the cookie into his mouth, and yup, still Bubblegum. He wonders if the entire batch is the same.

Angus looks down, bashfully playing with his hat. “I was trying to recreate your elderflower macarons, but it’s really hard to find elderflowers…” The kid looks up with a smile that is a bit too wide for it to be natural. “But you can always use Prestidigitation to give it the right flavor, right?”

“Sure kiddo,” Taako reaches for his UmbraStaff. He doesn’t really need it, but it makes casting twice as easy no matter the spell. “But you know there’s other flavors you can use instead. Pretty sure the cooks wouldn’t miss a bottle of vanilla.”

Then his UmbraStaff goes crazy pyromaniac on the cookies, and spells out on the walls, “L...U... P…” Taako reads out. “What’s L U P?”

Angus, the little dork, already has his notebook out. He’s scribbles in it for a moment before looking up with a glint of excitement shining in his eyes. “It looks like a mystery to me!”

Oh _fuck_.


	9. Scones and Stew

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Special thanks to [Nimflora](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Nimflora/pseuds/Nimflora) for reminding me of these parts!

“Come in! Come in!” Paloma ushers him in with a smile. Her house smells so good, Taako is in heaven. “We’ve met before, yes? Let’s skip the niceties, then.”

“Honey, we’re _all_ about skipping niceties.” Taako moves his sunglasses to the brim of his sunhat. He follows her to the table, and doesn’t even try doing that humble rejection thing.

Which means he pulls an entire basket of freshly baked cranberry scones to his side of the table.

They’re a nice golden brown, and the cranberries leaked into the surrounding pasty, staining it magenta. The scone crumbles a bit in his hand when he tests the texture, but is soft on the inside. It has a nice warmth, heating his palm. Taako breaks it open, and steam rises from the crevices. He even managed to split a cranberry, and it oozes gooey goodness downward.

Taako admits to himself, he’s pretty impressed.

He takes a bite, and it melts on his tongue. It cools in the same instant, and tastes like Extreme Red Rush.

Huh. That was a new one.

“So do you want a small prophesy or big prophesy?”

Taako pulls out the pouch full of diamonds. “I’m going to treat myself and get both.”

* * *

Taako follows Maggie inside Redmond's kitchen. And it's _tiny_. Itty-bitty-small-kid-size tiny. Mostly because some of it is cut off by the bubble. 

Feeling like he is packed away in a can of sardines isn't helping the notion. 

Redmond serves up a bowl of stew for everyone, and Taako only takes his because he never turns down food. He leans against the counter since there's only so many seats at the table. Magnus and Merle have one each, and the other two are taken up by Redmond and the elf that almost shot Magnus earlier.

(He might have burned a spell slot to have Bigby's Hand sneak a bite from Merle's and Magnus' bowls before they dug in. It was safe, so Taako didn't cause a scene.)

Taako spoons up some stew, and tries not to think about his first observations of what is in his bowl. The carrots and onions and potatoes had been cooked to mush, the huge single chunk of meat looked dry even with it bobbing in the broth- and what even are these herbs? Is that a whole peppercorn?

Magnus seems to be holeheartedly enjoying himself, but it looks like Merle still has a sense of taste even after flirting with flora. He shares a look with the dwarf, shrugs his shoulders, and scoops up another spoonful of soup.

Which, as the weirdest part of all, tastes like Melon?!

He doesn't understand where his transmutation eating thing is getting its ideas, but he's hoping it'll stop giving him curveballs like this. 


	10. Thirty Garlic Clove Chicken

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yup. He ate that one too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the one that I was really looking forward to. This was the idea that spawned the Silverpoint chapter.
> 
> That said, WARNING: feels. Blame the Chalice.

“You law?” Isaak asks, getting to his feet.

Taako glances down at the Plastic Sheriff Badge in his hand, and remembers a very different badge existing somewhere in his bag. “No, we had an in a couple months back though, captain of the police force down in Goldcliff, before he tried something similar to what you did to Jack. Nasty stuff. Tried to poison us with Silverpoint. Didn't work out as well for him as it did for you.”

Merle and Magnus are quiet behind him, which is a relief. Merle isn't the brightest campfire when it comes to lying, and Magnus doesn't think things through. Which means the guy with the lowest Charisma ends up being the best at convincing people to do what they want. (Half the time it's just him charming them with magic, so that shows their success rate.)

“What,” Isaak swallows, not stepping closer, like he's afraid of the answer, “what happened to him?”

Taako gestures to his bag in silent question, and Isaak nods. He rummages around, looking for the badge as he answers. “He killed himself with his own poison, and he was forgotten.” His hand brushes against something small and metallic. Ah! There it is! He throws it across the floor. The badge skids to a stop at Isaak's feet. Taako can read it, it has Bain’s name pressed into it, but Isaak can't. The voidfish ate the memory of Captain Captain Bain months ago.

Isaak picks the badge up, and Taako is close enough to see the law enforcer’s eyes slide off of it when he tries to read the name. “What does it say?”

“His name. Captain ░░░░░░░░░.” That is what he knows Isaak hears… or something like that.

There's a long pause where Taako watches Isaak, and no one really moves. But Taako can feel Maggie’s urge to do something vibrate near his shoulder, so he continues. “So what are you gonna do?”

* * *

June and the Chalice are watching him. He doesn't bother to pay them any mind.

He is back in Glamour Springs. Back to the one show where everything went wrong.

Taako watches himself skin the chicken, then magic the skin back on. Transmuting salt into sugar with a bag of the stuff sitting pretty at his elbow. All the little tricks he spent years practicing to look effortless for the crowd. Those spells that he hasn’t cast since this one recipe.

Thirty Garlic Clove Chicken.

Taako watches himself portion out the samples, arranging them on conjured porcelain plates tastefully. He watches himself toss one of the pieces that was a bit too small and a bit too big to be served into his mouth. He watches the confused expression pass over his face, recalls the flavor of Tutti Frutti Gogurt, and he watches himself dismiss it.

He could have prevented forty deaths, but he _dismissed it_.

Taako has gone over these moments, tormented himself with each part that he could have messed up to kill those people. Could the chicken have been diseased? Was he sure he transmuted the herbs correctly? Could it have been the garnish? The elderberries?

Then time stops and June and the Chalice show him what happened beyond his knowledge. Of Sazed gripping his hair, and an empty bottle of arsenic.

But-

What-?

Sazed?

It doesn’t take much to understand the scene. The fact that Taako hadn’t poisoned those people with his abilities lifted some of the guilt from his heart. Not all of it, but the knowledge that his cooking -this big part of himself- was never lethal, was enough for him to turn down the Chalice’s offer to go back and write everything over.

This is the timeline best for Taako, and the one he deserves. Because he still gave out a death sentence with a smile and a wink.


	11. Chug 'N Squeeze

Later, after purple worms and returning back to the moonbase, Taako hangs his things next to the door tiredly. Dying so many times in a day really drains you.

Speaking of dying, there’s a certain reaper waiting for him. “You’ve added quite a bit to your death count, haven’t you?” Kravitz opens with his ‘work accent’.

“That one’s on me.” Taako admits easily with a hand wave.

Taako would love to talk about all those deaths and getting pardons for all of Refuge, but he’s a little distracted, and maybe more tired than he thinks. Because he remembers the floor rising up to meet him, and Kravitz’s voice back to normal and sounding concerned.

He remembers saying random rubbish with his arm slung over the reaper’s shoulder as he is led to his room. He knows that he talked quietly with that handsome fella until he was deep in meditation, though he can’t remember what they had talked about.

Only that in the morning, he found his stone of farspeech sitting out on his vanity on top of a strip of paper with Kravitz’z codex number and an offer to talk another time when Taako wouldn’t fall asleep in the middle of their conversation.

Taako doesn’t bother waiting when he finds it. It takes a bit for the call to connect, understandable since Kravitz is probably in another plane at the moment (talk about a long-distance call), so he sits down to brush his hair as he waits. It’s getting longer than he’s used to; he has to bend awkwardly to reach the ends without pulling it to the front.

He’s in the middle of one such stretch when Krav's voice comes through his stone. “Yes?” He sounds a bit harried, and maybe distracted? There’s also some sounds of fighting coming faintly from the stone. “It it important?”

Taako raises an eyebrow, knowing it couldn’t be seen. “So, I was thinking we should go out on Saturday. I know the best place where we can talk and relax.”

A thump, clashing metal, and a bunch of violent noises involving metal and flesh. “Taako. I didn’t think you would contact me so quickly.”

“Saturday? Sevenish?” Taako offers, going through the paper waterfalling from his bookshelf. He knows he has tickets, the place had been selling seats for cheap as some sort of promotional event, and he bought them before he had decided whether or not he wanted to go.

“You still haven’t told me where yet.” Kravitz isn’t talking in his work voice anymore, which is cute. It's also silent in the background. Taako has a feeling he knows why.

“Aha!” Two colorful strips of cardstock with bottles of wine and pottery surrounding the name. “The Chug ‘N Squeeze. It’s a pottery class that serves wine. Sound good?”

Silence answers him, and for a moment, Taako thinks Krav hung up on him. He’s cursing himself in every language he knows (you’d be surprised how many he knows, thank you… He knows two, but one of those is full to the brim with insults thanks to humans) when Kravitz answers, still a bit distractedly. “Yes, Saturday at seven at the Chug ‘N Squeeze- I’m guessing the one on the moon and not the one in Rockport?”

“Yeah-” Taako answers, but he doesn’t have much to say after that. Smart and handsome.

“Then I’ll see you there.” Krav hangs up, and Taako stares at his stone for a few moments. Huh. That went better than he thought it would go. Then he sees the other side of the tickets.

Date Night, it reads.

Whelp, that would explain why it was so cheap, and why he couldn’t buy just one ticket. Oh well, it should turn out fine.

* * *

Go figure the wine tastes like Grape Gogurt.


	12. Baby Voidfish Ichor

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Taako can't take a dip in the baby voidfish's tank, homie. He appreciates that you think he's small enough, but no. He's not that slim.

Taako takes a look at the small tank, and doesn't even bother joining the others in pouring some ichor to drink. Bluejeans glances back at him after drinking from a waterskin filled with ichor, and he looks like he knows the problem.

Taako can't take a dip in something that small. Taako is stuck with voidfish static.

_Fuck._

Ango is the next to realize, mostly because Merle is off in LaLa Land remembering stuff. Probably the stuff the Chalice couldn't access when it was trying to guilt them into rewriting history, now that he thought about it.

“Sir?” Boy Wonder asks with a cup of ichor held out in offering. There's a sharp edge in the kid’s eyes, and Taako knows in that moment that he knows too.

“Yeah, Ango. Sorry for ruining the moment.” He's not apologizing for something he can't control, and it looks like the kid’s detective side gets it. The cup is emptied back into the small tank.

Then Angus pulls out his wand, and performs a spell that Taako very much didn't give him permission to learn. The tank doubles in size, and the pedestal supporting it shatters under the weight. Water is sloshing around as the tank lands with a crash, but the tank holds.

Barry seems to understand the plan, and is soon casting the same transmutation, stacking the spell, and increasing the size class once again.

It's big enough for Taako to jump into.

Taako knows how short lived the spell is, he's barely got forty-five seconds left. He leaves behind his UmbraStaff and hat to fall on their own time. He grabs the side of the tank, grips it tight, pulls himself up as he jumps, and he's hurdling over the edge with his legs flying over. He uses his momentum to fall into the tank. He doesn't even care that his clothes are getting ruined by voidfish ichor.

Taako barely notices the guards rushing into the office through his suddenly too-full thoughts. He's yanked out of the tank, and he catches sight of a tiny voidfish enjoying its elbow room while it lasts. Barry is wrestling with Davenport before being hauled up to stand next to the rest of them. Taako’s clothes drip loud drops of ichor onto the stone floor, but he doesn't care. Lucretia’s face is stormy with anger and betrayal, but he can see a hint of fear held tight against her eyes.

Because he remembers. Everything.

 _What_. **_The_** **.** **_Fuck!?_ **

And the Director has a _very_ good reason to be afraid.

Because **_this is it_**.

This is it.


	13. Remembering, Part 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter and the next one don't happen on the podcast to my knowledge, so if you want to skip them, feel free.

The first spell he cast, he knew before it even finished that he had fucked up.

He innately felt something that should be straight and direct, curl and twist inwards. But nothing really happened. No explosion like his sister’s first attempts. No tear in the space-time continuum. No eldritch horror summoned to destroy the world and consume the suns.

Zip. Nada. _Bupkis_.

So when he shows up for dinner, and he chokes on the first bite of what should have been a fucking _bread roll_ , Taako finds his answer to what, exactly, he cast.

Lup can't stop laughing at him, and he's tempted, _so tempted_ to cast the same spell on her, but he can't. He doesn't know if this spell can be reversed or not, and he'd rather at least one of them with a proper set of tastebuds. Just means later that he can try out all the spicy curries he's read about and leave her to suffer without milk.

Taako nods to himself for his plan. Lup falls over, gripping her stomach like more pressure would stop the muscles tightening there.

He doesn't know until weeks later that his Gogurt ability could be more than a hindrance. Until he tasted a different flavor when eating dinner with the caravan they were traveling with at the time. Until everyone but him and those who didn't eat that stew came down with food poisoning.

He silently decides as he worries and frets over his sister’s ill form, that he would eat everything before Lup. To prevent something like this from from happening again.

Never again.

It evolves from a simple decision to protect his sister in the way he can without leaving her behind into a race -a promise- to take a bite from everyone’s plate aboard the Starblaster despite their complaints.

And if he can prevent someone from leaving early in a cycle, then the approving smile from Lup is reward enough.


	14. Remembering, Part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Taako is allergic to Reese's. But why is that a problem?

Magnus blinks as he steps into the kitchen. “Uh… You okay there, Taako?” The elf is slumped over the dining table, staring at the two peanut butter cups served on a plate in front of him. A long, pointy ear flicks in his direction, the jewelry pierced there jingle with the motion, but he doesn’t respond outside of that.

If Magnus doesn't know any better, he would say that Taako is moping. 

Instead, he turns to Taako's sister with a raised eyebrow. She grins, sipping from a spoon that she is using to stir the large pot on the stove. “Don’t worry about it, Mags. He’s just torn up trying to make a decision. He’ll get past it eventually.”

Magnus doesn’t get it, but he pulls up a chair at the table anyway. “Okay…?” Lup chuckles at him, but at least she elaborates.

“He loves Reese’s.” Magnus nods to Lucretia when she sits down at the table with a quill stuck into one of her journals like a bookmark. She nods back, and opens her journal to write more, flipping the pages almost faster than the ink can dry.

“Still not seeing where the problem is, Lup.” More of the crew show up for dinner, Barry, Cap’nport, but Merle still hasn’t shown. The dwarf has been enjoying this cycle, the world is a botanist’s dream come true- or so he claims.

Lup turns away from the stove with a grin on her face when Taako interrupts with what probably isn’t a pout but definitely looks it. “I’m allergic.” He says it like he’s spitting out something bitter.

Lup cackles, and agrees with a nod of her head. “You swell up as soon as you take a bite!” Magnus is pretty sure that’s something that shouldn’t be said so gleefully. “You can always pretend and eat mud pies instead!” This draws a snort from Taako along with a rude gesture waved back and forth like a flag.

Magnus… is so lost.

He looks pleadingly at Lucretia who was staring into the middle-distance for whatever reason. She misses it and goes back to writing, but Cap’nport comes to the rescue.

“Taako has an ability that allows him to screen our food of anything lethal, but you don’t actually taste what it is, right?” The gnome turns to Taako for confirmation, and Taako rocks his head on the table.

“Everything tastes like Key Lime Gogurt.” The elf grins. “Stumped all the professors at school, but I’ve got it figured out.”

“It only took you how many decades?”

“ _Shut it, Lup!_ ”

“So you can control when it happens?” Barry leans forward, joining the conversation. Or maybe he’s just preventing another duel between the twins.

Taako shrugs. “Basically.”

Magnus blinks again, and _oh_. Taako has the choice of having an allergic reaction, or not even experiencing being able to eat a Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup when he does. He nudges Taako in the side with his elbow, and nods at the plate of temptation. “That’s rough, buddy.”

Taako sits up straight, back pressed against the chair. “Lulu, could you eat these please?” His face is pinched like it's painful to say.

Merle waddles onto his chair with a happy grin on his face. He catches sight of the plate of peanut butter cups and his face falls with a groan. “ _Taako_ , no. You’re allergic to nuts.”

 “Shut up, I’m not gonna eat them.” Taako mutters as Lup trades the plate with a bowl of soup, and is quick to bring the other bowls to the table. “I’m not about to break a thirty-six year spree.”

Now that Magnus is looking, he can see the soup change color right before it vanishes into Taako’s mouth. The elf catches him looking, and opens his mouth to show his food. It’s lime green. “ _EW!_ Taako! Don’t _do_ that!” Lup yells, throwing her napkin at him, and that somehow is the start of a food fight that spans the entire Starblaster.

Cap’nport wasn’t pleased- to say the least.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mwahahaha! Have all the fluff!


	15. Best Meal of His Life

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Of course I was going to cover this one! Though I will leave the description of what Taako feels as he ate the dish to Griffin, because he hit that one out of the park.

Taako has decided that this cycle is going to be Gogurt free. It takes a bit of tricking himself into getting the result he wants. It’s also really hard to do that for an entire year for every meal and snack and drink. But Taako is stubborn, and he wants to experience the edible culture of this plane. He hasn’t had a bad review of a single place yet, and that is really saying something since he has been wandering the food artisan district for a week. 

Even Lup couldn’t find anything to complain about the food. 

They’re settled down in a backalley, hole-in-the-wall restaurant, and a waiter serves them both a shallow bowl of reddish orange soup with a dollop of white in the middle. 

He lifts a spoonful up to his lips, and he feels the world fall away for a moment. 

Taako feels a little breathless when he comes back to himself with an empty dish before him. 

“Taako, you okay? You’ve been kinda quiet for a while now.” Lup asks, resting a well-manicured hand on his shoulder. He jerks, and she asks her other question. “It’s really good soup, right?”

Taako blinks at her for a moment to compute her words before his eyes are drawn back to the dish being cleared away by the waiter. That had been… 

“Yeah, absolutely magical.” 

… the best dish of his life.

He is going to get that recipe out of the chefs before the end of the cycle. One way or the other.


	16. Best Day Ever

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Taako gives Lup the best day ever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whoops! I admit I might be better at sad, feels, and angst than I thought I was. This is the sign at the door for the bit at the end.

 Lup asked for the best day of her life, and Taako is going to do his damnedest to deliver.

So he got up at _fuck-off_ in the morning to get everything ready. His twin likes sleeping in as much as he does, so he’ll put off breakfast for later.

So the chicken it is.

He has to go spelunking into the freezer to find just the right one, then transmute it so he doesn't have to wait for it to thaw. (Because fuu~uck that!) And then he gets to work.

Hours later, Taako is satisfied by the results, and turns his attention to making breakfast.

Taako makes all their favorites. With all the bells and whistles and nothing held back. Hell yes!

With Lup full to the brim and sleeping it off, Taako instructs Barry with a no-nonsense tone exactly what he has to do.

“-And don't fuck it up. I'm actually trusting you with this. Done make me regret it.”

Barry smiles, and Taako walks out on him before the human says something touching and heartfelt.

Hi! This is Taako, and Taako is good out here!

Taako gives Lup the best _**dayam** _ day he can, and he tops it off with their Aunt’s chicken recipe.

And then she drops the bomb on him, and his legs can't fucking stop. shaking. His hands are balled up in the fabric over his knees, and they wouldn't stop shaking.

He pulls out a conjured bottle of Grey Goose from under the table, all happy and jovial. But... _shit_. Litches?

When Lup passes the bottle back, Taako takes a swig.

It tastes like Watermelon on his tongue, and moves thickly down his throat.


	17. The Stew Before the Plot

Taako pushes the cubed meat off the cutting board into the large pot. He's done this for so long, has had so much practice, that he doesn't even cause a splash from the simmering broth.

He drops the lid on top and dusts his hands with a satisfied smirk.

Lup had finished most of her part of the work that morning, with the bread rising already portioned out for delicious butter rolls. All that's left is to stick them in the oven for a bit, and dinner would be ready.

They agreed to make it a simple and lighter meal, since there's going to be some heavy topics after.

Because they might have figured out a way to beat the hunger.

_Fuckin’ finally!_

It only took them, what, a century?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, couldn't help but put a joke at the end. 
> 
> ONE MORE CHAPTER TO GO!!!! I'm excited about it, I hope you will like it!!


	18. Epilogue

Taako is working on some fixings for a salad, a _taco_ salad, when Lup storms the kitchen with all the panache his sister has. He mirrors her grin, and watches her try the soup.

She makes an exaggerated wince, and Taako feels his ear twitch when he realizes where this is going. So they're going to play it this way, huh?

“Something's missing.” Lup says, dropping the tasting spoon on the closest flat surface.

“Oh?” He asks, leaning forward to rest against his elbows on the counter. “What?” He really can't help the playful smile pulling at his lips. He's in his own kitchen with everyone he cares about nearby. He can let his guard down here.

"The taste!” Lup cackles, and is already dodging the glob of guacamole. She responds with pulling back a spoonful of sour cream like a catapult, and letting it fly.

Ren, at the door with a stack of paperwork held to her chest, sighs as the food war commences. “I’ll come back later.” She says to the room at large when spells start to be added to the vollies.

“Bye Ren!” “See’ya Thug!” The twins call after her retreating back. Who knows who said which.

After a while, the walls have more food than the counters, and they're just conjuring more food to lob at the other with a cantrip or two in between. Taako dives behind a cabinet door to dodge a fully feathered turkey, and he gets the best idea ever.

He magics up a medium sized sack of flour, and lobbing it. Then he fires at it just after it crosses halfway across the room, creating a cloud of flour that obscures the sight between them.

Lup, with her tendency to solve most of her problems with a fire spell, tries to clear the air with her favorite element.

 ** _‘Whoosh’_** would be putting it mildly, darling.

What once was something on the level of a Create Flame is now something exceeding Greater Fireball.

And it's closer to Lup than it is to Taako.

In that moment of distraction (where Lup is either admiring the flammability of such a common foodstuff, or avoiding damage through one method or another) Taako locates his sister, and fires off a simple, innocent spell.

“Taako.” Lup’s voice is dangerously level, and others wouldn't have been able to hear her over the merry crackling of the bonfire between them. “What. Did. You. Do.”

Maybe he should have thought that plan out a bit more… Nah. This shit’s gonna be hilarious in a couple decades. Just… until then...

Taako takes stock of his surroundings, preparing himself to run for his life, before he answers. “Whaddya mean, Lulu?”

“Taako.” Uh oh. That's not a good sign. He checks the window behind him. Sure, he’s near the top of his (rather impressive, if he does say so himself) building, so what? He has a few ideas on how to get around a simple problem like _gravity_. “What spell did you cast.” He stole Merle’s Zoom Broom, right?

If nothing else, Garyl can catch him, right? Right?

Eh, this boy doesn't want to die today.

“HopeyoulikeGogurtLupgottagoannoysomeoneBYE!”

He dives out the window, digging into his bag, and pulls out the Zoom Broom in time to not be a tortilla on the front steps. He laughs breathless giggles, his head tilted up to see the sky up above, and his sister leaning most of the way out his emergency exit.

He knows when she spots him because he hears his sister roar, angry, amused, annoyed, “ ** _TAAKO!_** ”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Woo! This thing is completed, and can I just say thank you to everyone whose stuck with this and reviewed and kudoed and subscribed and bookmarked? Because I totally didn't think this would be as well received as it did. So thank you to everyone! From those who only found this little fic full of snippets to those kudoing, bookmarking, subscribing, and commenting! 
> 
> Thank you!

**Author's Note:**

> So what do you think?  
> I'm trying to get all the times Taako has canonically eaten something (and sometimes not, because the idea is interesting). If I miss one, feel free on letting me know in the comments!


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